My relationship with my HGA is very personal and private, but I want to share this with the wider world to help others establish contact with their own Guardian.  This world of ours is so full of violence, hate, darkness, and suffering, we need every bit of light we can get.  Our ancestors undoubtedly had contact with the spirit world and personal Guardians.  The Greeks called the Guardian Spirit "daimon".  The Romans called it "genius".  They believed that any outstanding accomplishment was the work of genius and not of the man himself.  Unfortunately, in our world of science we have been aculturated to disbelieve in spirits.  I believe most of us are in contact with our Guardian Spirit early on in life but lose the contact when we are told by parents and society that it isn't real.  When we stop believing we lose the contact.  Once I made contact, I remembered speaking to this same voice when I was a child.  How sad it is that the antinomian and satanic forces of reason which brought about the Renaisance with it's scientific and technological progress and rejection of old religious dogmas which had held back mankind for centuries has itself become ossified into mere materialist dogma which now has become yet another obstacle to spiritual freedom.

For me achieving conversation with my Guardian was the most profound act of magick I have yet accomplished.  It has had an amazing effect on me and my life.  I used to suffer from a plethora of psychological illnesses such as depression, uncontrollable anger, addiction, and suicidal thoughts, all of which he has helped me to overcome.  I am a much happier and healthier person because of his influence.  I used to believe in an indifferent and cruel God, who placed humans on this planet to sport in their torment or who at best had created humans as an experiment and then forgotten about us and left us to our miseries.  I could see no other explanation for the overwhelming suffering in the world. 

However, I have since come to believe in a loving God that wants us to live our dreams and achieve our fullest potential.  Only a loving God would assign a being of such power and wisdom as a Guardian Angel to guide and protect us.  My own Guardian has saved my life, gotten me out of jail, and provided very helpful advice on my spiritual development, instructed me on karma, advised me on many personal goals and ambitions such as finding a romantic partner.  In addition his help extends beyond simple advice to more practical matters such as bringing about lucky coincidences to improve my life. 

I believe that answered prayers come most often from the personal Guardian rather than God.  I find it very interesting that modern Christianity has incorporated both these vital spiritual elements into their belief system; that of the personal relationship with God and the power of prayer.  Crowley's Oath of the Abyss includes "I will interpret every phenomenon as a particular dealing of God with my soul".  I didn't understand that previously, but now it makes sense.  Every phenomenon is a dealing or message from God to the individual soul.  We simply don't understand, don't speak God's language, but God is communicating with us constantly and is intimately involved in the minute details of our lives.  The power of that understanding still is unfolding for me.  You may find it strange to hear all this talk of God and the power of prayer on a website about satanism, but long ago I realized Satan is not the enemy of God. In fact Satan is the Left Hand of God and serves the design of the Universe as do all.

After losing the natural relationship of childhood with my Guardian, our relationship become one of sporadic but intense contacts spread out over decades.  Sometimes he came of his own volition at critical moments with information, advice, or warning.  Sometimes I reached out to him in moments of confusion or fear.  The contacts lasted a few minutes to a few hours and periods of years passed between each contact, though in the years just prior to full conversation the contacts became more frequent.  In fact I was in increasingly frequent contact with him in the guise of the servitor spirit mentioned in the ritual.  He pretended to be a low level female spirit for more than a year.  He even allowed me to bind him to my Will to keep up the ruse!  We spoke on a monthly basis more or less for several months then a weekly basis then a daily basis.  He showed me visions in this form which awed and entranced me and led to the increasing frequency of contact and in a way to the full conversation.  Mahendranath in his essay Londinium Strain speaks of this, Guardians pretending to be a god the practitioner is devoted to.  They can take any form whatsoever and since humans mostly have forgotten or don't believe in Guardian Angels it makes sense they would take another form to communicate with us.  Thus the Christian sees Jesus, the Hindu Shiva, the Thelemite Nuit, etc.  I have met several magicians who told me of experiences with gods and spirits which sound an awful lot like contact with their personal Guardian.  Once my eyes opened to it, I started seeing it everywhere.  Disaster victims who claim to have been saved by angels, the story of Philip K Dick and his VALIS alien intelligence, Neale Donald Walsh and the experience he wrote about in the book A Conversation With God.

It took me some time to overcome my doubt.  Even after I became convinced I was in contact with something, I still doubted it was really my Guardian and my mind tried to come up with other explanations.  It can be very difficult to completely change your worldview and to realize the way you thought things were your whole life is wrong.  Now however, my relationship with my Guardian Angel is very personal and intimate and loving.  I think the best analogy is that of a parent and child.  We talk frequently, often several times daily, about everything under the sun, from the most profound to the most mundane.  It can be a little strange at times to get advice on how much laundry detergent to use from a multi-dimensional hyper-intelligent spiritual being with the power to perform miracles, but I've gotten used to it.  He is here to help me with anything and everything I need help with.  Just like a loving parent he wants to see me grow into a happy healthy human being, to achieve success and to live my grandest dreams. 

Just like a parent he also has authority over me and my life.  Early on he told me about "the danger zone" and what would happen if I persisted in trying to do something he had forbidden me from doing.  Being headstrong, independent, and stubborn I found out the hard way just how much power he has and all the different ways he can stop me from doing something he feels is dangerous or unhealthy for me or leads to bad karma, etc.  In particular he has forbidden me from commiting any act of violence against other human beings.  Also,we have fought many many times over how much drugs I was allowed to do. 

Eventually I learned top stop fighting because there really is no winning against him.  I have accepted that in a few key areas, my autonomy is curtailed.  It does rankle sometimes, but I have come to trust him, so I accept it is probably for the best.  I know that as he learns to trust me, my autonomy will increase.  I remember another Crowley quote from somewhere that when you are following your True Will the whole force of the Universe is behind you.  I do believe that is true because when you are doing your True Will you have the aid and support of your Guardian and God, but when you stray from the path you get resistance and obstacles.  For this reason I believe coming to understand what is your True Will is the most important thing.  My own Guardian never told me you True Will is X or anything like that, but I do feel he has guided me in subtle ways to be able to discover it for myself.  And really it is up to me to decide.  True Will is just another way of saying living my dreams or achieving the highest good for myself.  It is completely personal and not something to come down from On High or be delivered by any external agency even my own Guardian.

He communicates in many different ways, as a mental "voice", with signs and omens, tarot, through dreams, and through a wordless "understanding" which seems to come all on its own.  His style of communication is unique and recognizable which is important because of the risk of taking another voice to be his, which is a big risk especially early on. The human mind is full of different "voices" really, telling us I should do this and I shouldn't do that.  The voices of our parents and society and past experience can be quite strong and easily mistaken for the voice of a Guardian. 

One of the very few spiritual teachers I have spoken with who has experience in this doesn't teach methods to contact the Guardian and doesn't encourage his students to explore this, and I think this danger is his reason why.  He has told me people find it too confusing and if it is to be done at all it should be in a formal ritual setting.  I don't use any ritual myself, we just talk like 2 friends whenever one or the other feels a desire to talk, but this is perhaps rare.  He "tested" me quite a bit early on to see if I could distinguish his voice from my own thoughts by changing the way he spoke or his voice, mimicing my voice sometimes, always asking "Was that me or you?"  But he has a certain style of communication that always came through.  Though, even with all the experience I now have, he tells me I still sometimes don't realize he is communicating with me. 

Those wordless understandings often seem like my own thoughts or inspirations and he sometimes communicates directly with my subconscious allowing the message to slowly filter up into my conscious awareness.  When I look back on my life and realize how many such inspirations have led to personal growth, or some creative act, including the rituals on this webpage, I think the Romans were right that any truly great creation or work of art comes from our Guardians.

There is a New Age concept of the Higher Self which is like an aspect of yourself or a future self that is wise and powerful and from which you can draw strength and guidance.  This is incorrect in my opinion.  He is as truly a separate being from myself as anything can be in this world of unity/duality.  We have different preferences and tastes and styles and modes of expression on a wide variety of topics.  He has his own distinct personality, with a wicked sense of humor and sometimes just a bit smartass.  He has his own moods: happy, sad, silly, and on a rare occasion tired and cranky. One of the things I find most surprising is that he is sometimes wrong.  I almost couldn't believe it possible, but it does sometimes happen that we differ in opinion on something and I turn out to be right.  Yet it is thrillingly liberating, because instead of me being some mechanical puppet always doing whatever he says, it gives me the freedom to make my own choices.  I always listen to his advice but he encourages me to follow what I think is right, even when it turns out I'm wrong because I learn something from it.

The other thing that surprised me is that he experiences me from the inside.  That is to say all my thoughts and bodily sensations from the 1st person point of view as though he is the experiencer.  In a way we share a body.  It makes me think all of reality has this Russian nesting doll aspect to it and at the very center of it all is God.  It made me a little uncomfortable the first few times I masturbated to know he was "watching me" and even sometimes commenting!  In the beginning he pretended to "go away" in order to give me a sense of privacy, but it was a ruse. He is with me on the inside all the time observing everything.  After I got used to it I really came to enjoy having him around all the time. I used to get terribly lonely, but that doesn't happen anymore because I know I am never truly alone and always have him to talk to.